Saturday, December 16, 2017

Tainted Love

I was quite pleased that I had secured a very comfortable window seat on my Southwest flight back to Los Angeles from Portland. As I situated myself into my seat for the flight, my new seat-mates arrived rather quickly: a sweet young girl with glasses asked if the 2 seats next to me were available, and I said "Go ahead!". She and a guy sat down next to me. It wasn't until after awhile that I realized they were a couple. They appeared to be a very young couple, in my opinion. They had the appearance of highschoolers. At one point when I glanced over at them, I saw the young man looking at the young woman while she spoke, and the WAY he was looking at her, was so beautiful. That deep look of love, that only the eyes can convey. I didn't know who they were, I didn't know their names or ages, but I could tell that he loved her. Just from the way he looked at her. It wasn't until the end of the flight, that I told them that they were cute, and asked how old they were, and was told they were both 19 years old.

As the flight progressed, I looked over at them, and saw they had fallen asleep leaned against each other, with their hands grasped together. It was completely adorable. I felt compelled to take photos, of this beautiful young love, but I didn't want to violate their privacy. But I did it anyway. If for any reason, to prove to myself that this still existed. Maybe not for me anymore, but at least for the experience of other people. It made me reminisce about my first love....

It was junior year of high school, year 2000, and my history teacher told our class that we had to get into groups of 5 to create a rather large project. I don't remember all of what we had to do, but it was a lot of work that required library research and creating a poster board. Once I had been assigned to my group, we all kind of blew off the assignment, until the night before it was due, then panic ensued. Being a highly studious student in honors classes, I contacted ALL of my group members, seeing who could get together to complete this important homework project. Only ONE person actually gave a damn besides me, and that person became my first epic love, and boyfriend. When we had originally been assigned to this group, we barely noticed each other. I don't think we were remotely interested or attracted to each other....until we ended up together in the library, frantically trying to complete the huge group assignment so we wouldn't fail ourselves and everyone else in the group that didn't do any work (haha). It was somewhere in a random library isle, that the first sparks of love and interest lit up my heart. It was clear the feeling was mutual. We didn't look anything like we were "right" for each other, but fate had other plans. We fell for each other, and he ended up asking me to the prom. Then after a month or two, our mutual friends confronted us, to ask if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I just replied "Yes" without hesitation, which startled me a little that I had blurted that out, but that apparently made it official. I had an official boyfriend, finally, at the end of my junior year of high school. I had almost given up hope that I would ever find love in my school career. lol

There is so much I could write to attempt to cover 3.5 years of our relationship. But it was a very slow progression into intimacy. He was very patient. I had a promise ring from my mother, to remain a virgin until I was at least 18, and I kept that promise, and didn't lose it until 4 months after my 18th birthday, when my boyfriend was getting antsy after waiting for 11 months into our relationship to proposition me. In hindsight, I was very grateful for this series of events, because I can honestly say, that I lost my virginity to a man that I loved, who treated me well, and made me feel special and loved. 

But, it didn't have a happy ending. Thus, the reason for this blog. As I gazed upon the so-in-love young couple on the airplane next to me, reminding me of the beauty and innocence of new first love, I actually got a little sad. Because I realized that because I've been broken-hearted several times since my first boyfriend, that I'm tainted. I can't even look at a man that I'm interested in now, without thinking: "How and when will you hurt me?". It's not pleasant, nor healthy. It's a fear-based reality. But how can I change or avoid that? There is no fixing history.

That beautiful first love boyfriend proposed to me all romantically in front of his family at a picturesque setting in front of a pond at a museum, with their cameras ready. Then, just 2 months later, without warning, he pulled the rug out from under me. He broke up with me, on the night of my 21st birthday. And I was devastated. I can't think of any other time in my life that I have been more devastated than that. I wanted to die. I was in dark place for quite a while. I had no idea what to do, or what had gone wrong, or what I'd done wrong. I would have had a 4.0 college GPA had that not happened to me. My senior year after I got dumped, my grades dropped across the board. I would have tears streaming down my face in the middle of class. I couldn't focus. I could barely function. In the days after the breakup, I had a few panic attacks, couldn't eat, sleep, or drive properly. My perception of love, had been forever tainted. It didn't last. I would have taken a bullet for that guy. I would have jumped in front of a speeding car for that guy if I had to. I loved him that much. And in the end, I felt tossed aside like a piece of trash. That's how I remember it. And no amount of time, can fix that.
14 years later, it's still hard for me to think about. It's an experience that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

But...this evening on the airplane, getting to view first hand how beautiful, sweet, cute, and innocent this new love was, was refreshing, and made me miss that. If only I could go back to that place where I wasn't tainted anymore, and experience that love again. I suppose only time will tell, if I will ever get to be loved again.

~Mandelyn Reese
12/16/2017

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

I am Me



I'm an Angel, and The Phoenix
I am Stardust, mixed with Earth
I am Feminine, but also Masculine
I am Yin, with some Yang
I am grateful, yet I'm sad
I am strong, and yet I'm weak
I am whole, but also broken
I am beautiful, but flawed

I enter like a freight train,
but am delicate like a flower
Wild & free like a mustang,
but chained to a blanket of fear

I show my vulnerability now,
and surrender to your view
You are now a piece of me
And I a piece of you

~Mandelyn Reese
TheStreetAngel.com
7/4/2017
Independence Day


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

The Power of Attraction

5/2/2017

The Power of Attraction - Meditation Spiritual notes - by Mandelyn Reese, TheStreetAngel.com

The power that can potentially be wielded by the attractive is immeasurable. Having come from "both sides of the tracks" at different ages of my time has given me this insight. However, it's HOW this attractive power is wielded by the person utilizing it, that is the broad spectrum of conversation. If the attractive person uses this power for "evil" or "bad motives", that's one way. If a person uses it for survival, that's another way. If a person uses it for "good" or to "promote" things, that's yet another way. There's also a combination of them all depending on the situation in which you find yourself on any given day! If a person "realizes" they are attractive based on their body traits & appearance, then it affects how they proceed creating their life, in co-creation with other beings around them, and that they encounter. Since each relationship with another soul is a unique imprint, the ways in which the attractive qualities are utilized can be varied, because of that saying that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", which is true, because what or who one person is attracted to, may completely "turn-off" someone else. What I mean by that, is that for the first half of my life, I believed myself to be an unattractive reject, because boys I liked would tell me via messengers that I was ugly; up through age 17 in high school. If you take into consideration the infamous "Law Of Attraction", which states that we attract things based on the energetic "vibe" that we put out into the universe (think of it as a whale squealing out into the ocean to hear if anything reflects the sound), then it's probably why my first love boyfriend and I ended up together at age 17: we probably both believed ourselves to be unattractive, but found love in our commonalities and camaraderie. It wasn't until I was 21 did my looks change, or perhaps my awareness of my looks having changed were made known to me by guys. But even by 28 years old, I had a man tell me that I was a "9 out of 10, a 9 because I lacked confidence in myself". That was a powerful statement that really affected me, and I didn't really know how to process that for awhile.

I have done my best to use my appearance for good...and survival. I attempt to make a "good example" of positive behaviors that could help the whole of the world, Earth, and humanity, as best that I understand "the whole" to be (from my perspective and from what I've seen). But I'm not perfect. If imperfection means having quirks, flaws, scars, birth marks, heart wounds, body pain, stuff I regret, things in my past that I wish I could amnesia away, moments of embarrassment, times of terror, lots or romantic rejection, sad/dark/weird thoughts, then I'm just like you and everyone else! And yet I am perfect just as I am, because there's only one of me. I even have my very own DNA strand, thumb print, and social security number lol.

I don't think anyone can really fathom or explain the whole, except for maybe God itself (which many say has no gender, that it's the combination of masculine and feminine energies and everything in-between. Which is why there's such a vast array of uniquely formed individuals with unique looks, tastes, styles, sexuality, gender-identification, proclivities, & hobbies. It's God expressing itself in as many infinite ways as it can imagine. Who can define God? There are probably infinite possible definitions if you were to try. Have you ever considered that maybe even God itself has pondered where it came from?

~Mandelyn Reese
TheStreetAngel.com
5/2/2017

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Convergence Point

On Monday February 6th, 2017, I had scheduled a healing call with my dear friend Justin Elledge, who is a Buddhist Healing Master. I met him when I first started my Angel Project in Los Angeles back in August 2012 and was new to the area. He was in a VIP room giving healings to people at an event called "The Knowfest" when I walked in, and we made eye contact. For unknown reasons, we were drawn towards each other, and he simply placed his hand on my elbow, and BOOM:..... I was showered with a profound blast of Heavenly unconditional love energy, that was so powerful that I busted out into tears upon the touch of his hand. At that moment, I knew he was one epic person, and I wanted to learn how he did that.

                                               Photo: Justin Elledge and I back in 2012

I since went to his Buddhist temple and took the Medicine Buddha class, so that I could learn some of their healing modalities. I use the healing chants in my sessions on clients to this day.

Anyways, back to Monday February 6th's phone call with Justin. He ended up walking me through a meditation and breathing session I'd never done before. During this exercise, I had an interesting experience:

He was mentally taking me to higher planes, which he called portals. Then suddenly he like clapped his hands and said something about a convergence, and when he did that, it was like I was standing in the Matrix movie, during the part when Neo and Morpheous were inside of a pure white existence all around them, that was computer generated.


The only difference in my case, was that I was aware of shadow behind me. The messages that I received were that the future is like the pure white room, not having any form yet. Everything seems uncertain and unpredictable. You never know what each day will bring. That you have to look at each day as its own unique package with various blessings and lessons. You can only be in the here and now, because the future has no substance yet and the past goes into the "shadow". Like this convergence point was standing on the line of the yin yang symbol between the duality of light and dark. While we can't know for sure what the future holds for us, we do have a part in creating some of it.



It was pretty epic. I felt very at peace and calm during and after the session. I figured I would write it out while it was fresh on my mind, and share the experience with you so you can interpret it however you wish to.

~Mandelyn Reese
The Street Angel
TheStreetAngel.com
Written 2/8/2017        


            
                                           

Monday, January 23, 2017

The LSD Experience

Disclaimer: Please read this with an open mind, without judging me for trying a new experience of my own free will choice.
----------------------------------------------------------

Saturday 1/21/2017-
{Continuing story from my last blog entry: "Burn Out"}
I had been feeling overwhelmingly burned out in recent days, extending back into December 2016. Many heavy emotions of sadness, anger, and despair had been releasing from the depths of my soul.
It was almost more than I could bare, but I did...

I pulled together what little energy and effort I had left in my body to get dressed for a big music and dance event in the spiritual community that was happening in downtown Los Angeles.

As I got close to the venue, I gasped with how crowded it was, cars stacked up and people jammed the streets everywhere. It almost felt as bad as being in Time Square, New York City. I thought to myself that it would take a miracle of God for me to find a free parking spot with it like this. I prayed and asked for a spot. Low and behold, I turned a corner, and there, almost like it was waiting for me, was a free parking spot. God and the Universe had made it happen. I happily parked, and put on my angel wings. I grabbed my old reliable poster that says: "Be Kind. Be Positive. Be Giving." And started making my way the one block walk towards the venue.

Just a few steps along the sidewalk, and I found a big poster just leaned against a trash can, like it too, was put there just for me. It proudly had printed on it in big red letters: "I March for ALL Woman-Kind." Seemed perfectly appropriate of a sign for me to promote, considering all the various posters of unity, peace, and positivity that I have been promoting for over 4 years now, all over the country and social media. I happily collected up the new sign, and took it with me into the event. Luckily, the owner of the event knows me, and supports my Angel Project mission. They let me in with my posters, knowing that I mean well.
 


As I was wondering around promoting my giant new poster, a "tall, dark, and handsome" guy appeared beside me. We began to chat, and I told him about my Angel Project. We hit it off and had a lot in common, discovering we were both from my hometown in Texas and went to the same college in different years. I never got his full name, and he doesn't live in Los Angeles, but what he offered me that night changed my life...

After hanging out with him for probably an hour around the event, he suddenly offered to give me LSD. I was immediately unsure, and I'm always VERY cautious about drugs, both prescription and recreational. I'd never tried it before, but I have actually heard "good" things about it from others. I told him that I'd have to go check in with some of my friends who look out for me, and let them know the proposal, and get their opinion. The old friend I approached about it actually seemed shocked and surprised that I'd never tried it before. He seemed to give me the green-light, and said he'd keep an eye on me. So, with some reassurance that my angel brothers would have my back in case anything went wrong, I decided to go for it. Take the risk and try something new.

The guy took out what looked like a round mint sort of. Since I'm so small in size and a light-weight with low-tolerance to pretty much everything including alcohol, I only bit off half of it.
After a little while, all I knew was that I felt just "good" and "happy" in general. But I was generally having a great time, the event was cool and the guy was fun to talk to.

Then I began to yawn, and I took that as my "cue" that I should leave. It was about 12:12am. It's my MO {mode of operation} to leave events around midnight because that's when I start getting tired, plus the later it gets, the drunker and more drugged out other people get, and their "dark" sides come out, so I like to vacate the premise, for my safety and comfort. Besides, IF I was going to feel anything from taking it, I preferred to be home safe in my sanctuary away from strangers to experience it.

So, the guy walked me to my car. He was very concerned about me driving having just taken the LSD, but I felt completely fine and assured him I was ok. I drove safely home, and took a shower. Then it finally started to kick in.

What followed, was an epic mind-altering life-changing experience that I will never forget.

I felt WIRED. Like 12 cups of coffee only not with the caffeine scatterbrained agitation that goes with it. I was running all over my apartment doing things, but it felt like I was operating from a "higher level of mental cognition" than usual. {If you Google spiders on drugs" IMAGES you'll see that the spider on LSD made a cool-looking web, compared to the one on caffeine that was all skewed and bizarre.}

Eventually, I decided to slow myself down and meditate on this substance, to see what my experience would be. So I laid down in the middle of my living room on my back, with my eyes closed. What I saw, will forever stick in my memory. I don't even have enough words to accurately describe the fascination and beauty that I saw behind my eyelids. The best words that I can describe it are: Even though my eyes were closed, creating a "blackness", this blackness was alive with rainbow-colored light, taking the shape of shape-shifting sacred geometry patterns, moving rapidly in all directions like a combination of fireworks and shooting stars, both crashing into each other and moving away from each other. If you look up the famous modern day artist Alex Grey, and some others, they have been able to paint or draw some versions of these images. It was EPIC.

Then, I realized, if it's so cool with my eyes closed, what would my experience be like with my eyes  OPEN? So I opened my eyes and just stared at my lumpy white ceiling. Within seconds, my ceiling came ALIVE with movement and colors, swirling with majestic beauty and grace like a Monet or Picasso painting.

Then I decided that I would stare at a rug on my wall. I have 3 different rugs on my wall, each with their own unique patterns and colors. The first rug that I stared at was my favorite experience of them all. This particular rug is covered in various flowers and leaves patterns. When I set my focus upon it, the whole thing became like a 4 or 5 dimensional experience of colors and movement that seemed to stick out from the wall. The flowers looked like real lotus blooms, with each petal gently dancing in a soft breeze. I verbally exclaimed "Holy Shit!!" It was just so amazing I even cried a little because it was so beautiful. I couldn't believe this type of experience was possible. That my mind was capable of producing this sort of perception from a "flat" image of a rug.

I took turns meditating on each rug to see what it would look like. My second rug was exceptionally rainbow colored, and moved like an ocean with a sunset reflected on it, even though without LSD it looks just red and gold lines and circles normally.

I couldn't close my eyes or sleep, until about 8am, when I finally realized that I was feeling tired, so I attempted to go to bed.

I felt like this experience made me realize that I do have a massive impact on my reality, but in an amazing co-creation with "God" or the "Universe" or whatever word you want to assign to whatever fills our life experience that our 5 senses capture as stimuli and is processed through the mind for interpretation. It lead me to believe that I am indeed a speck of God spark, experiencing the world through one little pair of eyes, and yet I was able to feel connectedness with both the dust floating around my apartment air, and the particles in the emptiness of outer space, that all is connected. All is beautiful and sacred, holy, and magnificent.

I've been a supporter of DARE ironically, and I encourage people NOT to try drugs like heroine or meth. I used to be a Supervisor for 2 years at a facility that housed women recovering from drug and alcohol addiction, and what I saw was definitely sad and not pretty stories of women who hit drugs hard, and the consequences they suffered for it. If others decide they want to consider trying a little LSD at least once in life, just make sure you're not MIXING it with other things including alcohol, are in a safe environment, let a close trusted friend know that you're about to try it just in case, and have a TON of water around to drink!!!

~Mandelyn Reese
1/23/2017

P.S. Any negative feedback will result in me blocking you.



Sunday, January 22, 2017

Burn Out

Today was a historical day in American History. An *estimated* 750,000 people, {the majority being women} marched in downtown LOS ANGELES and millions of others in the streets all over the country, promoting a whole variety of different posters. Some were positive, some were hopeful, some were dark, some were fighting, some for unity, some for peace, some against Trump....

But something was missing.....and it was me. The Street Angel missed out on the epic Women's National Day to March. Why? Would be your immediate question..

Because I was burned out. I'd hit a wall. I fizzled out. I've been so tired, so worn out.
I've already been Marching all over America for over 4 years with my angel wings and various posters. I literally had no energy left to give. I tried to get out of bed this morning, but my body was DONE. I had to go back to bed. I couldn't even get myself up until 1:30pm. I had to give MYSELF a break. The word "hibernation" entered my mind. I needed to recharge.
What has happened to me?
I don't really know what I'm going through, as a soul, as myself.
I've been feeling lost, confused, wondering if I should move back home to Texas, or move somewhere totally new?
I have no idea what's next for me.
I feel like I'm in this weird limbo stage.

Luckily, by like 6:30pm, I finally was able to step foot outside of my apartment. I managed to drag myself to the grocery store. I put on my angel wings, and walked around the store, like I always do.

I have to forgive myself for missing out on this historical day, for women everywhere. But I have to give myself a break, and credit. That I've been doing the best I can, until I can give almost no more.
My blood, sweat, tears, body, strength, energy, money. Devoted to my mission.

The Universe, God, had my back though. Because I finally got up enough energy to go out to an event, and on my walk towards it, I found a Women's Day poster. I was grateful. So I marched around with the sign from my car for a few blocks, with crowds all around, while I made my way to the event. They know me at this event, they know about my mission and what I've been striving to do. They let me pass in, with my wings, signs, posters, the whole 9 yards. I was grateful.

I missed the daytime March, but I did my own in the evening, with the energy I had left. Besides, I do the poster March most days of the year anyway. :)

~Mandelyn Reese
The Street Angel
1/22/2017  1:30am

P.S. Could my dress be anymore EPIC and MEANINGFUL TODAY?! In memory of Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher. Her role in Star Wars was epic for women in general.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved

I have loved you every single day, thought about you every day, woke up thinking about you and went to bed wondering about you, every day...for four years now. All I've wanted is for you to love me back.
//I wonder if you know how that feels. Sometimes the despair in my heart feels so overwhelming, like it's too much to bear, and I have to find some way to cope with the emotions.
I've tried to move on, I've wanted to get over you, but I haven't been able to.
My heart seems hardwired to beat for you. If you could look into my chest, you may see your name tattooed somewhere on my heart. It's been burned there. I can't forget you. I can't seem to move on.
I think every cell in my body yearns for your love.
I've wished so many times for you to be back in my life.
I wonder how we would be together.
I wonder if you'll ever give me, us, a real chance.
I daydream about how I would act if I saw you again. I have so many mixed {and painful} emotions that I'm unsure how I would react.
I find myself seeing that I'd say I have no idea how to act around you.
There is no handbook, there is no guide for knowing exactly how to deal with our situation as it stands.
So many fears we both deal with.
Wondering if we're good enough, wondering if we're worthy. Wondering if we'd fight, wondering if we'd make up and be friends.
There are so many possibilities of outcome, and I can't predict the future.
If I could go back, if I'd been a different person, maybe if I'd have been a bit more spiritually mature, I wonder if I would have acted differently.
I feel like I don't regret what I did, because that's how I was authentically feeling at the time, much like right now.
If you're not honest about your romantic situation with a different romantic interest, complexities are inevitable to arise,
I loved you so much, and I love you still.
I wish you could just love me back,
And maybe apologize for all the years of pain, confusion, hurt, and rejection. That's what my "ego" wants. My soul has loved you for what feels like lifetimes, unconditionally.

~Mandelyn Reese
The Street Angel
9/17/2016