I was passing by my dresser and one of my angel books was buzzing at me. I grabbed it and opened it to see whatever it wanted to show me. It told me this:
"We condition ourselves all the time. For instance, one lady showers at night because she'd notice she'd feel sleepy after her shower. Hence her memory stored the concept of "Shower means bedtime." The same thing happens when love knocks on our door. Love means that all those memories linked to love such as suffering, abandonment, rejection, and sadness, emerge and come to mind. Naturally, therefore we do not want love. We are afraid to get involved because these are the associations that are inscribed within us. At the same time however, we do want love, because without it we die. Love is vital. This is why the simultaneous dynamic of attraction and repulsion is activated."
-The Book of Angels by Kaya Christiane Muller
Ironically, just moments before I read that passage, I had told someone on the phone that I was thinking about writing a blog about heartbreak...
My thoughts: If your heart has been "broken" by previous romantic disasters, and you literally feel like your heart has been slashed up emotionally, how are you supposed to let it go? The more it happened to me, the more armor I metaphysically built up around myself for protection. Emotional protection or something. I found myself asking, "How can I give my heart fully to someone who keeps asking for it, if it's in pieces and doesn't feel available to give in full?" How can you "let it go" when you're plagued by memories that have emotional triggers associated with pain. My chest physically aches when a man breaks my heart. My entire body goes into "disrepair". Emotional and mental healing takes time to heal, just like physical wounds. Physical wounds sometimes leave scars, sometimes forever on a person's body. You may not be able to SEE a person's emotional and mental scars from past hurts, unless they choose to show them or something trigger's those scars in your presence. Repeated hurt, regardless of its forms, conditions a certain response in us. How it manifests can be as unique as each individual.
I picked up another book laying on my floor that also had something to say. I opened to the page starting the chapter on "Hope" and read, "Certain stages of evolution of the soul contained despair and gloom...and after repeated calamities that could have been fatal, the soul surprisingly survived these crisis. Thus, hope originated as an inherent capacity of the human soul." - Rays of the Dawn, by Dr. Thurman Fleet
I supposed if a person loses hope and/or the will to live, they may perish, even possibly by their own suicide. Many of us have a known or possibly subconscious hope for something, especially love. I remember a quote from a movie: "It is yearning that keeps us alive." That deep desire for the things we want to happen or come true. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. The reasons for whether or not they happen is only known by the higher power, or divine, fate...whatever you want to call it. We cannot comprehend ALL that IS. Not all brains are the same, obviously. On one hand you have people who are locked up in a mental institution or suffering from dementia, and on the other hand you have "brainiacs" that are so smart you can't even understand half of what they say because it's on another level of intelligence. You know, someone like Einstein or Tesla. Some people are just born with different gifts, and the beauty they add to the whole during their lifetime can change the world. :)
So tonight the themes of love, heartbreak, and hope are paramount. It's a time for healing, somehow. I was wondering why we go through some really awful mucky times; times where I wish I had more control over my emotions. And the answer from spirit was, "It makes you appreciate the happy and good times that much more." Feeling in love is exciting and a rush of amazing emotions. And yet on the flip side, many of us experience love laced with the undercurrent of fear that you'll lose the love, lose the person, lose the relationship, that they will hurt/lie/cheat on you, or you'll end up heartbroken and alone. What a conundrum. To desire true love and simultaneously feel terrified to love that much. The undercurrent of fear is probably what is largely responsible for many relationships breaking up, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.