Saturday, September 17, 2016

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved

I have loved you every single day, thought about you every day, woke up thinking about you and went to bed wondering about you, every day...for four years now. All I've wanted is for you to love me back.
//I wonder if you know how that feels. Sometimes the despair in my heart feels so overwhelming, like it's too much to bear, and I have to find some way to cope with the emotions.
I've tried to move on, I've wanted to get over you, but I haven't been able to.
My heart seems hardwired to beat for you. If you could look into my chest, you may see your name tattooed somewhere on my heart. It's been burned there. I can't forget you. I can't seem to move on.
I think every cell in my body yearns for your love.
I've wished so many times for you to be back in my life.
I wonder how we would be together.
I wonder if you'll ever give me, us, a real chance.
I daydream about how I would act if I saw you again. I have so many mixed {and painful} emotions that I'm unsure how I would react.
I find myself seeing that I'd say I have no idea how to act around you.
There is no handbook, there is no guide for knowing exactly how to deal with our situation as it stands.
So many fears we both deal with.
Wondering if we're good enough, wondering if we're worthy. Wondering if we'd fight, wondering if we'd make up and be friends.
There are so many possibilities of outcome, and I can't predict the future.
If I could go back, if I'd been a different person, maybe if I'd have been a bit more spiritually mature, I wonder if I would have acted differently.
I feel like I don't regret what I did, because that's how I was authentically feeling at the time, much like right now.
If you're not honest about your romantic situation with a different romantic interest, complexities are inevitable to arise,
I loved you so much, and I love you still.
I wish you could just love me back,
And maybe apologize for all the years of pain, confusion, hurt, and rejection. That's what my "ego" wants. My soul has loved you for what feels like lifetimes, unconditionally.

~Mandelyn Reese
The Street Angel
9/17/2016

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